Looking Forward

Time marches on. Good. In my lifetime we've seen an increase in tolerance for gays, but a corresponding increase in civic disengagement and mindless demogoguic populism, especially on the right. It is what it is.

But on a personal note, I will be glad to see the end of 2010. With such things as Manuel's nose wound, the blizzard week, Mom's several health issues and surgeries, the bedbug war, a rather dismal social life, 2010 was the worst year I've had since 2006.

I'm also looking forward to the end of my fifth decade of dwelling on this planet. After much reflection I've concluded that my fifth decade was the worst decade of my life, with the losses outweighing the gains. I expect life to get better. I expect to do better myself. I just have so much to gain.

Well alrighty, then

I woke up very early this morning, after having gone to bed very late last night. My body had simply gotten enough sleep over the long weekend, and was done with it. I have read that as one ages, one needs less sleep. Here's to hoping I put my future increased waking hours to good use.

In my tendency to try and draw life lessons from everything, I reached a few conclusions this past weekend.

1. In recovering from my last disasterous relationship I've gone far enough in cultivating my solitude. I would do well to increase my tolerance of human beings, and spend more time with them.

2. Even if it is very cold outside, I would do well to get out and walk about for a while every day (unless there's some really gawdawful precipitation descending).

3. Cooking is engaging, and a good way to spend one's time and creative energy (I knew this, but had forgotten it).

I'll be glad to see the end of 2010—it has been a difficult year. For that matter, I'll be glad to see my next birthday, if for no other reason than to put behind me the most difficult decade of my life (I've decided it was worse than even my teens!).

I Love...

Elderly couples who walk hand-in-hand. Little girls randomly jumping and singing out of pure joy and energy. A raccoon who pauses to commune with me as I make my way home. Skaters tearing up a concrete ditch in a southern exurb. The sound the wind makes in a pine forest. Lone thunderclouds on the plains. My cat curled up against my legs during the long, dark night. Excellent chord progressions. Mangos. The stillness of an owl watching me from across the street. The college student grooving his ass off listening to his tunes while waiting for a Metro train. A book bound with care and precision. Sparrows asking for crumbs in the park. Dogs. The feeling when my team scores. Uncontrollable laughter. My bare feet on beach sand. The smell of patchouli. Hiking. Hot coffee and the time to savor it. The memory of my grandfather in his garden at sunrise, with my dog patrolling the rows in solidarity with him. Waterfalls in the Blue Ridge mountains. Ice water.

Sorry, Jesus Ain't Takin' the Wheel

The big question confronting me now: who do I want to be? What behaviors and attitudes do I value, what behaviors and attitudes do I deplore, and what do I do to exhibit the former and eschew the latter?

I was raised by drama-filled fundamentalist Christians. When the going got tough, they ran to God for answers and aid. You've heard the saying, "Let go and let God." Or as Carrie Underwood sings, "Jesus, take the wheel." I no longer have the comfort of abandoning responsibility like that. If I want to do well, I must endeavor to assume responsibility for everything that is within my power to be responsible for, and to accept with detachment all that isn't. No longer can I simply intone, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Rather, if I want to do well, I must endeavor to maintain the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to choose to change (and work at the changes) the things I can change, and constantly to weigh and discern what I can change and what I cannot. It is on me, and I would do well no longer to slough it off.

At this time I can think of three sources for knowledge and wisdom regarding how I want to live my life. The first is my own life and my own history. What do I like about myself? What good have I done in the past? What have I enjoyed doing? What mistakes have I made that I can learn from?

The second are 'heroes', exemplars I admire for one or more qualities. What are those qualities I admire? How did they deal with the vicissitudes of their individual circumstances? What were their pitfalls, and how could they have avoided them?

The third are books of philosophy, ethics and psychology. What wisdom do they contain about how to live well? What is the best way to be a good person in the world, and still maintain my integrity and individuality? What are some insights into human psychology to help me avoid maladaptive behavior patterns?

Instead of looking outside myself for divine intervention and inspiration, I want to look around myself and within myself for wisdom on how to live.