The War with the World

After I came out I always assumed I would be partnered. I felt as if, whether I deserved a partner or not, I needed one in order to be able to face the world. I reckon ever since kindergarten I've always viewed my relationship to 'the world' as adversarialy. We maintain a wary truce at best. A partner was supposed to be someone with whom I shared the burdens of the ongoing war, a person who would dress the wounds of the day's battles as I would his, and with whom, in each other's arms, we would become restored for the next day's fight.

It may well be that the problem I'm having with dating and finding a partner is the assumption of an adversarial relationship with the whole world. Most weeks, by the time Friday night rolls around, I feel so defensive I know for a fact it would be a very good idea not to show my face in public. Having spent a week feeling like I'm under attack, I don't want to go out and whoop it up with friends—I want to hide out in the mancave with Manuel, some primo ale and bad television.

I wonder whether my approach to weekends would be different if I arrived at them feeling merely tired, as opposed to feeling tired, embattled and aggrieved. Is it possible that a more active social life is available through a simple attitude adjustment?

The Six Who Only Saw Tens

I've been thinking about love, lust, sex and relationships. I wonder how much my desire for sex sabotages my search for love, and vice-versa.

If I didn’t want to find a relationship, I’d probably pursue sex with others more aggressively. Even at my age, it isn’t that difficult to find willing sex partners. However, the ones who seem interested in me for sex I intuit pretty quickly as being someone I wouldn’t want to date. Therefore 999 times out of a 1,000 I don’t even bother to hook up with them. I’m happy to receive the affirmation that comes with their flirtation/eye contact, but I really don’t want to put out the energy for such a small return.

On the other hand, I think if I let myself do without sex more I’d have more drive to find a partner. I take care of myself a little too aggressively, perhaps. As a result, most of what I see during the day I don’t notice. I suspect there are guys out there who would make good partners whom I never even notice. But do I have to go totally celibate to find them?

The fact is that I have no clue how to find a partner. The last three men with whom I had long-term relationships I met randomly. No one has successfully schooled me on how to meet good men for dating and relationships. Yet as I approach 50, this issue takes on greater urgency.