Relationship FAIL

You know, I really hate the fact that my last long-term relationship was with a narcissist. It sort of highlights in neon-bright colors the my abysmal record of failure in relationships. I'm lead to ask: is there really something wrong with me that I get into bad and/or doomed relationships? Am I simply incapable of finding/co-creating a lasting, stable, good relationship? Am I attracted to the wrong kind of men? Am I the wrong kind of man?

I suppose I need to find my purpose and meaning in something other than relationships, but I have to admit that even the most fascinating intellectual pursuits do not carry the emotional oomph that relationships do. Is there anything in life I can be as passionate about as love?

How to Reject, How to Take Rejection

How to Reject:

If someone shows his interest in you, and you do not feel the same, the best thing to do is simply to let the person know that you are flattered, but not interested. Expect him to be mature, and go on. If he isn't mature, that's his problem. Drama is always counterproductive. Always.

How to Take Rejection:

If someone you are interested in rejects you, move on. Yes, it hurts, but life is full of pain, and surviving is all about learning to accept the pain and moving on. I won't say something trite like, "There are plenty of fish in the sea." That actually may not be true. But there is more to life than sex, love and romantic relationships. And I suggest pursuing those other things.

Instead of Another Bad Romance, I Need a Rad Bromance

Having survived the warfare of love, and convalesced in the hospice of taking care of myself, I believe I have arrived at some new insights. Not only have I been looking for love in all the wrong places; I would have done better not to look for love at all, at least not in the traditional sense. I don't need a romance—I need a bromance.


I need someone to go shopping with, to help me figure out which home improvements to make, to hang out at the bar with, and most of all to go to soccer and lacrosse matches with (heck, I'd even go to see hockey and basketball games, as a trade off). A pal, a bud, a dude to chill with. He could be gay, bi or straight—it wouldn't matter because sex would not be a factor.* As long as he is a decent, stand-up guy, and we can get along, I think it would be fun.


And fun is the key. True, I want friends in my life to help me carry the burdens of living—the horrors of the daily grind, the heartaches of loss, etc. But I strongly suspect that the persons best suited to help carry the burdens are also the ones who most adeptly help one lighten the loads by lightening up. Relationships should be fun.


So I'm going forward looking for good friends, people worthy of investing time away from myself alone. I know they are out there. I just haven't had my eyes sighted correctly.

---

*Years of singleness and a handful of atrocious hook-ups have taught me to be sexually self-contained.

Faith, Hope and Love Are Dead—Now Going toward the Within

The surest sign a person has that he's reached midlife is to look around and see a debris field where he had assumed his world would be. Faith, hope and love were useful ideas for a while, but they've failed to live up to reality. Love was just lust in disguise, and unable to withstand the winds of change and the vicissitudes of damaged people. Faith withered in the light of reality and the simple facts of day-to-day living. Hope was a slogan for a political campaign, and we then discovered the slogan should have been "timidity and appeasement."

What can I count on now?

I suspect the next phase of my life will be about discovering that all my resources are within. It should be interesting.

The Six Who Only Saw Tens

I've been thinking about love, lust, sex and relationships. I wonder how much my desire for sex sabotages my search for love, and vice-versa.

If I didn’t want to find a relationship, I’d probably pursue sex with others more aggressively. Even at my age, it isn’t that difficult to find willing sex partners. However, the ones who seem interested in me for sex I intuit pretty quickly as being someone I wouldn’t want to date. Therefore 999 times out of a 1,000 I don’t even bother to hook up with them. I’m happy to receive the affirmation that comes with their flirtation/eye contact, but I really don’t want to put out the energy for such a small return.

On the other hand, I think if I let myself do without sex more I’d have more drive to find a partner. I take care of myself a little too aggressively, perhaps. As a result, most of what I see during the day I don’t notice. I suspect there are guys out there who would make good partners whom I never even notice. But do I have to go totally celibate to find them?

The fact is that I have no clue how to find a partner. The last three men with whom I had long-term relationships I met randomly. No one has successfully schooled me on how to meet good men for dating and relationships. Yet as I approach 50, this issue takes on greater urgency.