Monday, October 18, 2010

The War with the World

After I came out I always assumed I would be partnered. I felt as if, whether I deserved a partner or not, I needed one in order to be able to face the world. I reckon ever since kindergarten I've always viewed my relationship to 'the world' as adversarialy. We maintain a wary truce at best. A partner was supposed to be someone with whom I shared the burdens of the ongoing war, a person who would dress the wounds of the day's battles as I would his, and with whom, in each other's arms, we would become restored for the next day's fight.

It may well be that the problem I'm having with dating and finding a partner is the assumption of an adversarial relationship with the whole world. Most weeks, by the time Friday night rolls around, I feel so defensive I know for a fact it would be a very good idea not to show my face in public. Having spent a week feeling like I'm under attack, I don't want to go out and whoop it up with friends—I want to hide out in the mancave with Manuel, some primo ale and bad television.

I wonder whether my approach to weekends would be different if I arrived at them feeling merely tired, as opposed to feeling tired, embattled and aggrieved. Is it possible that a more active social life is available through a simple attitude adjustment?

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